i feel a knife just cut deep into every part of my body...

today went to tuition... when i finish tuition, called my mum... told her that i've finish my tuition... then, i went straight to the bus stop...

i saw a fren... so talk to her for awhile... and waited for bus...
bus came... so i boarded the bus... its late...
got to toa payoh at 10.30... mum called... she scold me and hang my call... becoz i'm not home yet... upset me... called kym... well, wasn't really telling her wads wrong... only tell her wads wrong... hmmm....

got home...
mum open the door... she let me in quietly...
when i walked in the living room... she came from my back and snatch my phone away...
i only know i'm late for home and i've made her worried... and she nag and nag and nag...
I'm grounded... and i hate to explain!
they just dun listen?
i'm very hurt... someone can understand how i feel?
no one believes me...
NO ONE!
NO ONE!
NOT EVEN A SINGLE ONE!

i just want to be back the enming that i once was... i want back a peaceful life, without worries...

can anyone bring back my happiness tat i've use to spend? i want to be free!
i hate having a lock on my legs... i hate being like this...

i'm trying my best to concentrate on my studies! why aren't you all understand me?
my family doesn't understand me! why can't u give me a road out to freedom?
why are you taking me as a prisoner!
why are u taking me as those AH bengs...
why do u say tat i'm useless...
why u keep picking on me...
why can't u tell me nicely?

sigh... i'm lonely... i'm suck!
i know its my fault for not being obedient enuff...
i know i'm very stupid...
i know i've made u feel uncomfortable...
i know i've made u embarrassed in front of all the relatives and ur frenx...
telling them how bad ur child have done...

and u always try to compare me with those kidd of ur frenx...
those good and obedient teenagers...
and always say tat they're a few millions times better than me...
how and wad can i do to please to ur expectations...
i'm honest with u and you always dun listen...

i can tell everyone here... that i treat my frenz like a family than treating my family as family...
i just think tat i'm much closer to my frenz and buddies...
why can't u be more understanding...
think about me...
i'm not a girl... i'm a guy! i have my dignity... i need to do wad i think i shld...
sometimes, i know that i shldn't do a thing, and i won;t...
did i tell u?
NO! i didn;t... coz if i do... u'll be scolding me in the end... coz u dun understand me...
coz u didn't stand up for me... coz u keep thinking that i'm wrong... i'm still a kidd... my thinking is still immature...
is that it?

i dun care anymore...
i can't even have the energy to fight anymore...
everyday i quarrel to fight for my rights...
i failed everytime to let u understand...
coz u always dun wanna listen...
wehn things happen... u'll only scold me and say tat i didn't share my problems with u...
how do u expect me to tell u wad happen?
u alwasy say tat those well behave teenagers tell their mum things...
about wad happen in school...
about girls smsing them...
about secrets...
do i share them with u? i did!
didn't i?
i even let u see pictures! yet, u critizise my frenz! say that they're cheap and naive...
well, let me tell u! my frenz are precious frenz to me... u critizise them is trying to critizise me...
and i won't let u do that becoz i know that they're not wad u think they're!

when i tell u further more... u will just walk off... becoz u dun wanna listen...
sigh...
i hate complaining... but i want to share my problems! but yet, i dun feel safe telling my family about wad happen in school... i dun trust them! coz they simply think that everything is SO SERIOUS!
how can i survive!

i just feel like commiting suicide...
i want to sleep and never wake up...
i feel insecure...
i feel upset...
coz no matter wad i do? it simply won;t please u...

and one thing tat i'm daring to tell everyone...
my family has never praise me... NEVER...
and they NEVER COMFORT ME... NEVER...
do they know that i'm hurt?
NO!

i'm tired... feel like stepping out of the whole damn world...
useless to fight...
restless to go on life...
i've look down on myself more...
i hate myself more... and i dun belong to this world...
well, i dun need u guys to comfort me... coz i'm not good enuff for u all to treat me this way...
i'm born to be a freak...
i'm not seeking for attention... but i'm writing this out becoz i've enuff.,.
and i want to speak it out... coz its inside of me for 17 years...
and i'm very tired to go on... and i just wanna get out now...