worried

today finish work at 3pm... went to interview for new job... then be4 that, went to see kym... where she's working at bras basah road... then, went to accompany her:) and after that, went to interview... during that time, receive a call... its from mum... calling... and i told her i was going to look for a job... and tonight will be going out... she was asking whether where have i been going to these days? then she kept asking... and i have no choice but to tell her the truth... and i said, i'm, going to church tonite... then, she starting screaming... and start to critisice God... and i knew she would react in that way... and i tried to calm her down but, i dun think she is... and somehow she tells me that going to church is somewhere wasting time and brainwashing.. i feel like crying for the moment... and how can she say that! i tried to sort thigns out like that... then she keep saying the church people cannot even deal with their own problems already and still wanna go to church... she keep saying church gonna put me down into hell like tat... i really dun noe wad t o say and wad i can do was to keep quiet... and i so wish that God was beside her trying to clam her down... and there's a pastor beside me taking my phone and explain things out with mum... well, i guess its all dreams... and dreams aren't gonna happen... its just wad i see MIGHT happen... nvm... then i have no choice but to cancel the trip to trinity centre... then sms kym's mum... apologising to her that i can't make it with kym and family and mei ping... well, quite sad hearing all that... and wasn't really happy about it... becoz i'm gonna make kym upset again... i turn her off... and i know i shldn't... well, things really making me to worry again... alot of things... i've been thinking... and thinking... kym says: i dun wish that u to disobey ur parents, and if there's really no choice, i'll have to leave u... wad was my expression for that moment? i guess anyone will know? i kept quiet again... saying all these is not trying to tell everyone how i feel but to say things out for myself to see... for me to know wad's happening.. and not to show the people about wads happening to me... i really hope that i can just jump out of the window and die peacefully... its better than suffering... and i'm t rying t o say that this is no one's fault... NOT U KYM... and not anyone... but is just between me and my mum... well i dun know wad i can do to let her trust me... how can i gain her trust? when is it gonna happen? and i'm reaching 18!!! AND ITS 18!!!! adult! and people keep telling and asking me... "ming, you're turning 18 and ur mum still nagging over u? still as protective as be4..." or just simply saying: "hey you! mummy's BOY! and i HATE that... how can i do things just by my own? i'm old enuff to think! and why are u old shits keep saying that i'm still small! and why are u all keep blocking things i wanna do! and i'm not the people that always appear in newspaper? smoking? drug- addicted? gangster? theft? robbery? i'm not them!!!! why is my mum telling me time and time again about all these thing! and why she keeps taking me as them!!! do i smoke? do i drink? do i hang out with ah bengs or ah lianz? NO! i always tell her all these... and end up, she'll always say "17 yrs old very BIG ah!" and i always hate her insulting me... again and again... and i have to bear her critiscising... insulting my friends... things that i want to do... i hope i can really jump down...

*open my window... looking down..........

i wish that my love one will stay beside me... and not leaving me at the moment where i need her the most... and i pray that my life will be more better and not worsen... but i'm sure it'll end up worst... i'm sure things is not gonna work out the way it is... and lets see how bad my life will be... i just pray hard that God shall be with me... and help me thru... i have been bearing the pain thru these years... 17 yrs... and i think its time to let everything go.... and i wish i can really pass away where no more worries for me...

my life has been brighten up by kym too at times, and if without her, i think i'm much worst! and i know she's going to leave me soon... i know... and i sense it... wad can i do? wad can i say? i think there's nothing that i can do to get her back... my wish was to marry her... and as wad she said: " things will not be yours forever if its not gonna be urs.." well, i sense it that she's gonna leave me... soon... any of my frens have been asking how's u and kym? i will always say i still love her lots... tats my true words from deep down my hearts... and everytime i think... i ask... does she loves me? yes... i know she does... but, i hope that she will still, down the road for many years... and i know that she's gonna be upset again after reading this tiny message... but i trust her... i still do! that she'll love me as long as possible... but not forever...... and perhaps by then, i shall need to learn how to let go... although tough... but i still have to accept the fact one day... thank you...

i love kym* lots
i love kym's family - Kym's mum, dad, jeremy,christopher,benjamin...
i love God...

may our relationship last long... and i dun wish anyone of us to leave... all i need is you... luv crazily...