nolongerthesame...

sorry people... that i didn't manage to blog for that past few weeks becoz school just started and life has been miserable... but vone thing that doesn't stop me from boosting myself forward is the Lord... as i pray to him and seek his help in many ways... and yesh... the answers are in my heart... although they're not the answers i wanted but somehow i did went around asking for opinions from seniors all around... and manage to get help to the questions in my heart and solves something inside... but just couldn't dare to say them out...

today, big sis just came back from shen zhen! and finally got to see her afte that 3 months without her in sg.. hahhaa... well, its really great to get her back, at least mum won't be pms-ing coz she got another woman to talk to...

then in the noon, went to victoria hall theatre to watch the YAMAHA Electone Organ Competition throughout asia... and i enjoy it so much! how nice would that be if i can get up on stage to perform like them... hahaha...

this whole week has been a good start in school, and i finally can study something about disease... DNA, RNA, cells, chromosomes, genes, etc... it was pretty fun and interesting;) but it was a bad start to our relationship... becoz the whole week, i can only see my baby for a day which was on friday where my school ended early at 12 and i rush down to meet baby for lunch at bk, below her workplace... then talk to her and made her a little unhappy and disappointed becoz unable to join her workplace... and i hope she understands and dun pick on me...

friday, right after lunch with baby, didn't manage to hug her before she goes off... then went back to school, which was still early... then somehow on the way back school my heart keeps triggering me... so i had no choice but to climb up to the highest storey of my campus and sat down at the staircase open air facing the swimming pools and to the wide clear blue sky and a nice scenery... it was 7th floor... and i manage to sat down alone and start look at down to scenery where my memories starts to come back... not just some... but almost all... i kept listening to songs like, "jason mraz - you and i both", "zhang dong liang - bei ji xing de yan lei", "Full house - Geu Deh Ji Geum" & "li sheng jie - ni na me ai ta"... it was kinda sad thing to recall about but, it made me stronger after that... i feel that everyone has a romantic story before, dun u? and its really true that each and everyone sacrifise for one and other... but one thing is that when u all grow up, try to learn to understand that people change... and no one will remain the same... its just u that have to learn to grow as well... no one waits for u... sometimes, its difficult to show things in ur heart... and u tend to keep it inside u and rather not let it out... yesh... i do that too... everyone do... but if u try to look at a different perspect, keeping things inside of you, u'll only end up hurting urself more... and sometimes, u'll end up collapsed... if u love someone so much, and u can do anything for the person u love, u're considered..???

after that day, i went straight to training... everything went down to physical... basketball can be a good exercise to ur feelings... i feel tat i play best when i'm feeling down... and unhappy... i tend to use physical to wash away the bad things in me and made me fresh again... but not all... after that day, i had cuts over my arms... perhaps i played too rough... and after the training, went to bath, and will only cry under the constant of running tap shower water becoz no one knows that i'm crying... hahaha.. silly am i? and fren ask me why my eyes were red... and i said water went into my eyes.. but it was tears... on my way back home in bus, i can only sit at the back seat of the bus and close my eyes to sleep... so as to pull away from saddness...

i'm writing all these not to say that i'm being treated badly or being bullied or wadever... its not over anything and its nobody that affects me... its just me... i dun want to say anything happy today becoz my heart keeps breaking now and then easily... and i want to build it back slowly... and i'm trying... i feel that problems always lies on me... and i always want to be perfect... but somehow i always can't be... and i'll keep telling myself to be firm and stay strong and fight on... physical contacts although can make u release ur mental disappointment and sadness, but i cannot clean off the scar that left behind... as it remains... i hope everyone out there learn to become who they want to be... and not become who they are asked to be...


"if there's one thing that i can wish for, i would wish that i can have the real you..."