pity and fear

for all these days... it has been so much pain that has been occuring... i hope this will be the last time that i'm doing all these things... and i won't be doing all these anymore... its so much pain going lots of things... saying words that shouldn't be said... and words that are forced to say out in a opposite manner... i pray that things will be fine for both parties... met vivien that day... and vivien kept pulling me to a side... asking wad really happen... and ask me wad is the situation been... i was so thankful to have such frens came asking me and so concerned:) i'm glad and sad at the same time... we talked for a while and when her fren came, they left... somehow, love is not as simple as it seems to be... hope u all can understand it one day... perhaps different person has a different background... and i hope things will be better one day...

somehow i cried in front of her that day... i didn't know why but i cried... somehow emotional break down... well, my reasons are actually excuses to you... and i felt so painful telling you becoz i shouldn't be telling you coz i know u'll feel more worried... and i dun want u to... i may seems silly with my ideas but forgive me...

i dont know what came over me but to me saying no was the only word
i could think of at the spur of the moment.
maybe i was unsure and to afraid of the yes and no came out easier.
i ask myself what im unsure of, and maybe its just that im not ready
to take the step of faith and be in a relationship with the person i love for a year plus... vivien said: "Not easy to find a couple that can reach a year... and yup, i pad on her and sigh... she said, she should be the one padding on my shoulder..." somehow, i tot i was blamed... but eventually, my frens still understands... thank you vivien... u're such a nice fren of mine:) really hard to find this kinda fren:)

i didnt want to go through that again. im afraid that if we were together, i would lose you. how? i dont know, but the thought just brings uncertainties to me... i see how much you've grown and understand, but sometimes things are not everything that you perceive it to be. i know we should come to terms and be down to earth. but being pessimistic doesn't help things to get better. i just want to see you smile from deep within. i thought i could just put aside all my worries for just 1 single day. but guess what? haha.. i just couldn't. things are sometimes just the way it is. life isn't meant for us to smile and enjoy all the things that we want. it goes beyond that. i use to apologised in anyway. but still i felt bad enough. its different. it scares me when i feel like i might lose a friend. it really does...

after that, i feel like posting somethings that i know it'll still stay in my memories... and although i miss them so much, i know i'll control my feelings from now on...



the things that were bought by me, i guess they were being thrown away already... and i know i won't do such things again...

i feel so pain when i look at these photos...



it comes from here... but its torn for now...


/*
life.
its never easy to understand.
*/

this is the last ever thing that i'll do for you... you're my hero... my superwoman...